When everything changes, remain calm, stay in your heart and keep your eyes open.

The title of this entry is the last line from my previous blog post below, and it's the most important message I feel the need to give everyone at this present moment in time.  Stay true to yourself, trust your intuition and do not give into fear when life as we know it today changes tomorrow (so to speak).  

Many blessings to everyone reading this ♥

Remember that all is full of love - you will be fine.

Love & Light,

Emily xo.

2012: It's NOT the end of the world.

There is no way to explain this without it sounding one of two ways, depending on what type of person you are. If you're awake, you'll see this for what it is (and Namaste to you ♥). If you're not awake yet, you'll either be open to it or view it as complete rubbish. Feel free to have an opinion either way - because it's YOUR opinion and whatever resonates as being true for you IS true for you :) Please be aware it won't (and can't) change my truth...and I completely understand how threatening that can be for some people, truly.

I'll quickly touch on my last two posts before I begin. The first of the last two posts explains the beginning of what I now know to be a profound spiritual awakening - which is the most wonderful, marvelous, beautiful experience I've ever had and am still working through. I am currently in tears just at the memory of how I felt the first day this began - I can't put into words how absolutely magical life has been since this started. Sure, a little scary at first (which is why I was led to an experienced lightworker) - but now that I understand what's happening and why, it's just so wonderful. To live without that all too familiar fear we've all learned over time is simply Heavenly.

The second of the last two posts is a poem I wrote for my dear friend who passed away on the 15th June. She is very much with me in this moment and has a strong connection to what I've been (and am still) going through. Every time I've discovered something new on this path - there she is. When I discovered Doreen Virtue's page on Facebook (one of the most powerful lightworkers in the world) - there was my one friend who 'liked' the page - Fiona :-) When I discovered the Crystal Castle page (beautiful destination in NSW full of Buddha statues, crystals etc), there she was again. When I reached my higher self in the last two meditations...there she was, with me. When I've discovered my own truths through either angel readings or meditations, again, she was right there smiling her beautiful, perfect, angelic smile. I still miss her so very much in the physical sense...but there's no way to be sad about that when I *know* she's still here with everyone she loves in the spiritual sense. Because that's where it counts the most, and always did count the most. She's always been in my heart - nothing's changed.

Now, before I go into this, I want to make it clear that this happened to me - I did not go looking for this. Two months ago I didn't know what angel cards were, my idea of praying was 'ask ask ask - take take take', anything to do with 2012 was utter bullshit, aura's were airy fairy garbage, dreams meant nothing and inner peace was a myth. In other words, even though I always had some kind of faith and belief in God, I really wasn't connected to him or my REAL self in any way, shape or form before this happened.

That all changed though - shortly after my 29th birthday and shortly before my beautiful friend passed away in the physical sense, I won't go into the why's and how's of this because while it makes perfect sense to me, it's almost un-explainable when it comes to typing it. When I woke up one morning around 4 weeks ago...I really did wake up. This is usually known as an awakening or as ascending, again, I can't put into words how beautiful it is, not to mention how exciting it is...especially because it's happened this year.

The comforting/re-assuring part of this is that it's happening to so, so many others right now. Everyone goes  through it in different ways but knows the same truth I do - which is that it's imperative we live from the heart and let go of the fear. Easier said than done? I used to think so as well, but here's what I've learned about the term "Easier said than done" - it's a total cop out. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. So at the very least, try.

We are one - humanity I mean. We are ALL energy...everything in this solar system, galaxy, universe is energy. Mother Earth is a living sphere of energy. The human thought process is the strongest force out there and what you give, you really do get back. The most powerful organ in your body is your heart - forget what you've heard about the brain being more powerful, it's been proven that it's the heart. So why are people forgetting to use it more and more? Because they're living their lives based on taught, learned and mind controlled fear and hate. Go and thank your television and computers for that - I did.

The 6 o' clock news is NOT anything more than government controlled media, do you really believe they would EVER let the general population know what's really going on? News type, current affair programs are even worse...in fact when you really look at it, it's all one giant commercial and probably the best distraction technique ever thought of. This includes newspapers and magazines that tell you nothing except which toxic toothpaste will make your teeth the whitest and which anorexic, drug addicted celebrity you should strive to look like.

Do you really believe Facebook's a tool designed to re-unite family and old school mates? No. Not only is it a tool for our every move online to be watched, it's also the most passive aggressive, racist, sexist, hate breeding invention of our time...unless you make it a pleasant, positive, loving experience - which you can, simply by 1) not censoring yourself and 2) ridding yourself of any negativity. Be aware your every move is still being watched though. Next time you want to share an image that mocks anyone for a cheap laugh, why not share a Dalai Lama image with a positive message instead? or a joke that doesn't target issues like racism, rape or homosexuality or someone's appearance? I can already hear the "lighten up" comments. Which just proves I'm right about how desensitized and arrogant we, as a race, have really become.

When it comes to our banks, our government (ie controlled puppets), our oil sources, our pharmaceutical sources, our stock markets, our media...do I even need to explain?! Worldwide we've spent TRILLIONS of dollars on un-necessary wars, un-necessary pain and suffering and what have we accomplished by that? Nothing. Yet how many millions of people are starving? How long has World Vision and the like existed now?...and who controls them again?...How many CEO's are given multi million dollar annual bonuses while more and more doctors and nurses are walking out of more and more hospitals because they haven't been paid for saving someone's life? I think you get where I'm going with this. How many more people have to die because of our first world selfishness?! I know it's easier to live in an egotistical sense and continue to spread racism on Facebook, help fund corporations like McDonalds while clogging your arteries and continue watching that big screen in your lounge room which has numbed and desensitized you to what's actually happening right outside. I did it too, and hey, in all seriousness living that way was much easier. But remember what I said about the word 'easier' above being a cop out. Even if I wanted to go back to my old ways, I can't. It's simply not possible to turn your back on reality like that once you've seen it.


So, while all of the above is at times almost unbearably frustrating and very painful to think about - it's also very wonderful because when you wake up to this sort of thing, you also wake up to the other (greater) side of it :) which is that we are one. Every thought we have has an impact on this planet and our reality, everything we do and have ever done is all energy. When you start to live from your heart and base everything you do on what you feel in your heart...all that fear, doubt, constant need for validation and the need to be liked just falls away. When you love yourself (including that inner child you forgot about), your ability to connect with everyone around you improves on a scale of grand proportions - and makes it possible to fall in love with yourself, the world and the universe all over again.

Through meditation, balancing (and healing) my Chakras, through angel readings and simply through feeling connected to our beautiful planet and God - I have become the most empathetic, open minded and spiritually free version of myself I can be. I now connect to my higher (and lighter) self and pay attention to only the important things. Like I said, this is happening to more and more people - millions of people around the world are waking up and seeing reality for what it is and the one thing we all have in common is that we are aware the answer has always and will always be love...and while there has never been such a lack of it in the world the way there is today, there's also never been so many people becoming so spiritually aware (no matter what their religion or lack of it).

Where does 2012 fit into all of this? Apart from the fact we're almost at the 26,000 year mark and apart from the Mayan prophecy (which does NOT spell the end of the world at all), apart from the bizarre weather changes all over the globe and global warming...apart from the fact humanity literally can not get much worse than it is now, apart from all of that, we are, like it or not, entering a new era and life as we know it is going to change- do NOT be afraid of that. (Yep, already hearing the 'is she taking medication' or 'is she smoking weed or something' style thoughts :) don't feel bad, I would of been having the same 'she's nuts' kind of thoughts racing through my head at this point too - it's cool ♥ ). Nobody knows what's going to happen this year, tomorrow, in 2020 or beyond. Only God knows - that is my truth. However, with more and more people waking up - the world can and will only get better and life as we know it WILL change for the better.


Mother Earth (and a massive, growing number of us all over the globe) *must* enter a new phase of consciousness for humanity to survive. The earth changes are already happening more and more, the planetary changes (just as predicted) are coming to pass and again, more and more people are beginning to wake up to what's going on in preparation for it. This, again, means being in touch with our higher/lighter selves, basing our lives (and especially decisions) on the love in our hearts and no longer fearing the unknown. Which is so simple, just be open to it :) Once you realise you're safe and that we're ALL headed for a much better world, the unknown is simply a beautiful mystery - the here and now is the most important thing of all and it is honestly such a very exciting time to be alive.

We (humanity) need change, therefore we are becoming the change. And of course, change isn't always an easy nor smooth transition for those opposed to it - just don't be frightened of it and live your life from your heart (drop the ego once you realise what it is, simply be aware of the world you're living in and look into more positive, self serving, loving ways to spend your time) It's honestly no more complicated than that :) Pay attention to your dreams, allow yourself to do what you enjoy without feeling any guilt over it, stop being so attached to this third dimensional way of living. You can wake up if you want to, the choice has always been yours and will always be yours. At this very moment in time, everything is how it needs to be. Be at one - with every part of yourself and every part of your life. Understand you are home now in every single situation. When everything changes, remain calm, stay in your heart and keep your eyes open.

Much love to you, I am here for ANYONE who needs an ear so don't hesitate to send me a message,
Emily xo.

For my Fiona.

Losing You.

Our darkest hour, our blackest days - this is where we found each other,
A beautiful, blonde vision in blue - a daughter, a friend, a wife and a mother.
You taught me how to laugh again and showed me what friendship meant.
Even before you made this journey, I always knew you were Heaven sent.

Another battle dawned on you and it seems like such a short time ago.
When it came to you beating it, I never said "I think". I said "I know".
You endured so very much on this road, yet you never once gave in,
And when it comes to the void and the sadness, I can't even begin.

You were always there when I needed you...and I know that you still are.
I am able to see the world for what it is, the sun, the moon, the stars.
Your beliefs, your faith - I have that now, I believe this came from you.
It was all your precious gift to me and I am so blessed to see the truth.

Losing you is a pain I can't describe, not having you here breaks my heart,
However I have come to realise in your short absence that we will never part.
Your body needed rest, my darling. Your spirit then answered God's call,
And it's now in this very moment that I know - I really haven't lost you at all.

I love you.

+

It's all come full circle. From recently feeling incredible pressure, a near entire loss of faith, pretend happiness, a strong urge to give up while faking a positive mentality - to this. I know I'm on my own journey now but I am not alone :) I have all the confirmation & reassurance I needed and then some. 

On the weekend, I was led to a remarkable woman who knew me already - before we'd met. I feel I knew of her somehow beforehand, but not until we actually saw each other for the first time. I was there for help and guidance with my newly discovered Meditation techniques however I also needed help with so much more...and she knew this. One of the first things we noticed about each other was we had exactly the same (rare) cross around our necks. I was led to a kindred (but higher) spirit - and teacher.

It was the most healing experience I have ever had with another person. I love my family and friends, I respect the doctors I've seen over the last 11 years - but what I've needed for so long, I got on Saturday with a woman up the road who before that morning I'd never laid eyes on. I won't go into detail, because it was an intensely personal and spiritual experience. It is however something I would wish on anyone & everyone, especially those who are suffering or feeling lost in any way.

I feel God within my body now. I always felt God within in my soul and knew of my faith...however it dwindled now and then. I was all "ask" and "talk" but never really listened, until now. I believed in Angels but was unsure if they really existed in my life, until now. Coincidences and 'signs' would always be there but not make any sense, until now. Even though I was aware of perfection, all I noticed were the imperfections...until now. Now, it all makes perfect sense. Now I feel protected, heard, enlightened - now I feel home...and will continue to feel home in every 'now' I create.

My Chakra's and my soul are all part of my spirit - therefore I realise now how important it is to honour, love and accept myself the way I am. I realise how important it is to remember who I am, and love her unconditionally. I have abilities I never knew of until a few short days ago. I have a body (the carrier and vessel of everything important) that I must take gentle, loving care of so I can be the best woman & mother I can be. The two very different souls and spirits of Lucy & Owen are what I need to protect, nurture and guide. They are my children, my blessings. The centre of my world...and what a beautiful world it is and will be for them when they reach this point in their own journeys - which they both will. There is not a shred of doubt about it in my mind and heart.

Meditation has become my daily medicine. Exercise and movement, my therapy. Delicious, healthy, natural foods, my drugs. Water, my tonic. Archangel Michael, my protector. Archangel Raphael, my healer. My Guardian Angels, my guides. Jesus, my King. God, my savior - my home. Myself, my universe. There is no other term for what has happened (and what is happening) to me than an awakening. I was frightened in the beginning but now I am at one with all of it - and so very blessed and thankful for it while still discovering so much and trying to, slowly and peacefully, understand it all.

I have been told (and already knew myself) that I will leave others behind on this journey, initially this made me sad but not anymore. Make no mistake, even if I could go back now - I would not. It's how it has to be, how it's meant to be. This is the main reason I'm documenting this here, for those of you who one day I may not see or speak with in the future. I wish you nothing but love, light and endless blessings. We are all so very different, we're all on such different paths that lead in individual directions and that is truly a wonderful thing. 

I have no room for negativity in my life anymore - I once did (for such a very long time), but I've reached a point now where I must (for the sake of my soul) cleanse my world the way I have cleansed my soul, mind and spirit. I can no longer say or do dishonest or negative deeds and hide behind the term KARMA to justify it. Two wrongs do not make a right :) Being the person I truly am is all I need. I no longer care for revenge, getting even or living in the past. The time has come for me to let all of that go for the sake of my wellness and my family's wellness. My here & now is what's important. I've said more than enough negative/bad/bitchy/mean things in this lifetime, I've done more than enough wrong in this lifetime...and it's all OK :) I own it, accept it, ask for forgiveness for it and can change it every single day for the rest of my life.

I was ready for this to happen even though I didn't know it. I have since discovered millions of other people are going through it as well . Like you, at first I scoffed as well. I am a very rational person and wondered whether what was happening to me was psychosis or mental illness of some sort, a possible side effect to medications I was taking for years/months, the weather (LOL) and so on. I quickly surrendered and realised this is the most beautiful experience, the best experience I'll ever have and I can not explain why or how this happened, nor do I want to :) I don't need to know the hows and whys - I just need to live the here and now the best I can. 

And I can now :)

I urge you to watch the following video. Put the headphones on to cancel out any other noise, sit in a comfortable position where you won't be disturbed and open your heart and mind. This is what life can be like (if you just turn away from the white noise which seems to govern most of the Western world and how we live):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKoQ3lNlRFA

Love & Light,

Emily.

Perspective...and how it changes.

In 4 days time I'll be 29 years old - somehow the goal weight I wanted to be and the fact I'd imagined perfectly clear skin by this time all seems so irrelevant and un-important now. Don't get me wrong, I'm still on my weight loss journey with fire in my belly and still following my strict (and often hellish) skin regime...but it's not a race, it's not an urgent problem. I'll still be here at 29 years of age if I'm 1 or 2kg over my goal weight with a couple of spots on my face.

Around 2 weeks ago, our lives started to change. It's been one thing after the next lately and everything reached it's climax last Friday - I say this because things always seem to happen in 3's for us, and I really hope that is right for our sake :)

1. The home we rent (and love) has been for sale since November 2010. There has been zero interest in it, well, until a couple of weeks ago when the owner dropped his asking price by 30k. A couple are going to buy this home, their finance should be approved by the end of this week...I half expect to get our 30 days notice to leave on Friday (my birthday) as that would just be the cherry on top of everything hehe. I won't go on and on about how we love it here, and how Owen will absolutely go into sensory meltdown at the prospect of calling another place home and how very difficult it's even going to be finding a suitable place in such a short amount of time. What I will say though is that renting really is a trap - and if there is any way to avoid it, I suggest that you do.

2. We took Owen to hospital on Thursday for his final lot of hearing tests. As explained previously, he 'failed' the previous two tests. My belief was that he simply wouldn't (and didn't) tolerate the testing and therefore inaccurate results were recorded. Both audiologists agreed this was possible and that Owen would need final testing under sedation...which happened on Thursday. Long story short, he's partially deaf. We're waiting on an urgent referral to an ENT for treatment options. I am currently self-learning Sign Language. I know everything was explained to us but naturally, a lot of it went in one ear and out the other (pardon the pun). I guess this is why they send the detailed reports out to us!

3. My husband was made casual from full-time on Friday due to having a "bad attitude" at work lately. I have informed them they can't actually do that without the proper notice but have not heard back. Either way, "casual employment" on a rental tenancy application doesn't look good - so our future right now is more uncertain than it's ever been. Nice way for them to treat an employee who's been with them for the best part of 3 years...I have to say I'd possibly have a bad attitude if my world was turned upside down as well and would understand a warning and "not to bring problems to work" - but I wouldn't expect to effectively be fired like this (my feeling is this is the beginning of the end of his employment there).

The way I see it, I have 2 choices. I can crumble under the pressure, break down, sink into a deep depression and give up on life entirely with a "woe is me, life is so unfair" attitude or I can take each day (and problem) at a time and find the solutions as quickly, and as calmly as possible - with or without asking for help if I need it. I choose the latter option.

Right now, my son is at the forefront of my mind. Everything else has (naturally) taken a back seat for a while. We are nowhere near the end of our journey yet - we have to make some decisions about the next steps in order to communicate better with him and he also needs to be assessed many other medical professionals regarding other health concerns. However, once we know how to communicate with him more effectively - EVERYTHING else will be downhill from there :) I've felt closer to him in the last 4 days than I have in months, simply because I know why he struggles the way he does and why he doesn't talk or do other things kids his age do. I didn't know it was possible to love him more than I already did, but I do and I can now see that for a darling little boy who doesn't have the basic sensory security (aka hearing) that other children do - he is actually doing very, very well for his age...and I just couldn't be more proud of him. Or me, because this is not my fault - none of it, and I know that now. His hearing was fine at birth :) This is a hearing loss, he wasn't born partially deaf. We may never have a definitive answer as to why this happened.

This is news for us (ie his mummy, daddy, aunty, cousins, sister, grandparents, carers, friends etc) - this is nothing new for Owen. Nothing has changed for him, he's still the happy, bubbly, wonderful little man he was a week ago, a year ago. In fact no, somehow he's even more wonderful now in my eyes :) He's beautiful in every sense of the word and has taught me at the tiny age of 2 years old that I need to stop taking so many things (that we all call basic) for granted. He has also taught me exactly what I am capable of - I filled a massive work order from the time I found out about his hearing non stop until Saturday night. I put a smile on my face and went to inspect homes right after this news. I listened to my friends and tried to help a couple of them going through a hard time. I stood up to my husband's employers. I made sure my daughter had the funnest 10th birthday celebrations with us as possible. And I've thrown myself right into learning sign language and getting in touch with as many infant/child hearing loss organisations as possible because my son will have the same opportunities as every other child. Make no mistake about it.   I will do everything in my power to ensure this and nothing will stop me.

Here is a poem I wrote for my lovely Owen.

Until next time,
Em xo.

Update (re: last post).

Well, it's been 3 weeks since I started on the mother of all Anti-Biotics for my hormonal acne. Around the same time, I started taking Fish Oil Capsules and I've just started on Zinc. I have been eating clean for a month now and drink 3L water minimum per day.

Has there been an improvement? Yes - but not what I was hoping for. My skin itself is softer than it's ever been and the inflammation surrounding the acne is nothing like it was, my skin tone is also much more even. So I am pretty happy with that as my face doesn't hurt as much as it did plus it's MUCH easier to apply make up now. However as for new acne? I'm still getting it. I've been told I'm still in the 'purging' phase of treatment and to expect this...I don't know if I believe that though.

I've been told not to expect results from Bactrim for 2 months - which I'm OK with and I'm willing to finish the course of  Bactrim to make it that far. Am I still hopeful this is my 'cure'?? No. Frankly, I've read about this stuff and researched it quite extensively before I started taking it and in 9 out of 10 cases, the person had said Bactrim cleared them up a lot sooner than 3 weeks, a lot of the reviews I read claimed they were clear in a matter of days. Hey, maybe I'm wrong and I will see results in the next 5 weeks - one can only hope! However to be honest, I don't think this is working and I do not think it will work. I'm not being negative, I'm being realistic given what I've seen and read during hours of research about this stuff.

I am still trying home remedies for this as well. When it comes to rubbing garlic on your face, my advice is don't. I think people who praise it as their acne cure don't...actually....have...acne. Sure, a nasty pimple here and there - Garlic will probably sort it out and shrink it overnight! Flared up, inflamed, nodular acne though?? Like I said, don't do it...not unless you enjoy burning your skin. Same thing with Lemon juice - just don't do it.

The old Coconut oil & Tumeric paste remedy...I can't really say whether or not this is helpful yet. I only tried it for the first time last night (and I'm typing this with yellow stained hands LOL). The acne is feeling quite dry, however that's how it usually feels after I wash with the Cetaphil & Benzac. So no verdict for this remedy as yet. The next home remedy I'll be trying is Apple Cider Vinegar (I have tried this before but will give it another go) and then the next crazy remedy will be American cold and flu tablets....which have oddly cured so many women's skin problems. I'm not going to question it!!

One thing I am going to try immediately, along with my current treatment, is Saw Palmetto. This is the herbal version/equivalent of Spironalactone. It's known as a men's health supplement (Prostate health) however many women have had success with it as a hormonal acne treatment. It doesn't carry the same dangerous side effects as Spironalactone either so I am not thinking twice about it. I'll be buying it tonight and starting it tonight. There's a small risk with Potassium levels however they're not serious risks as they are with the 'real' stuff.

So in my last post I said I'd tried everything - not true, and I apologise for saying that because it's dismissive of new ideas and hopes to cure such a nasty condition and it's the last thing anyone else going through this would want to read. I'm not giving up. I feel beautiful, I look beautiful - even with these pimples - however this acne is a sign something in my body is not good, not right, not well. The hormones and the bacteria causing this are still so bloody off balance and the ONLY way of fixing that problem is to attack the hormones and bacteria together, which may sound easy but as my derm will tell you, it ain't. Fingers crossed the herbal version of Spironalactone will be the answer - if not, then my bet is in 5 weeks I'll be put on the real version of it. Which to be honest, I'd probably skip and go straight on to Ro-Accutane.

That's where I'm at with this now. If my skin is still like this on my 29th birthday, I will be starting on Ro-Accutane. My feeling is this is going to happen as my acne is obviously very resistant but in good conscience (for my sake and others) I will try EVERYTHING before I 'turn to the dark side' of Accutane. I am prepared for the backlash from others over this and completely understand your warnings, but respectfully, I've made up my mind. Let's just hope it doesn't come to this.

Nearly 30...and I won't just "grow out of it".

This was confirmed for me by my dermatologist at my first appointment with him on Friday.

I've had pimples for the last 20 years. As a kid, they weren't too bad...just the odd spot here and there. As a teenager, they were terrible. However since so many other teens at my school were going through the same thing, I had the reassurance of not feeling like an outcast and the reassurance of my parents and older teens telling me that I'd simply grow out of it.

As a young adult I'd often get pimples and small bumps on my chin and lower cheeks, however they weren't ever inflamed and were easily covered up with make up. This continued until my mid 20s when I started getting more inflamed pimples. I'd tried everything topical and herbal so in early 2008 I bit the bullet and ordered Proactiv. As expected, Proactiv didn't start working it's magic until mid 2008 and worked quite well until I stopped using it when I fell pregnant in June 2009.

Those blissful 9 months of pregnancy resulted in the clearest, most beautiful skin I would ever have. I'd get the occasional small pimple every now and then but apart from that, my face was well and truly glowing. My pores weren't visible, my skin tone was even and everyone who knew me well would often comment on how PERFECT my complexion really was. I knew it was temporary so I milked it lol, I enjoyed every minute of it.

The first few weeks after my son's birth in March 2010 were great skin wise. Not a spot in sight for basically the first month of his life. By my birthday though, the pimples were back. They weren't as bad as I'd previously experienced but my skin was no longer what anyone would consider clear. It wasn't too bad...I was a new mum, the spots weren't inflamed so were coverable with the right make up, plus I was more focussed on the weight I'd put on during my pregnancy rather than how my skin was looking.

Fast forward to October last year. My son was now 18 months old, I'd lost around 10kg - but my skin was at it's absolute worst, or so I thought. Pimples EVERYWHERE. They covered my upper back, I was now getting them on my chest and shoulders and my worst nightmare of inflamed, cystic nodular pimples were now covering my chin. I'd gone from saying "well at least my pimples aren't that bad" to having severe, painful cystic acne in the worst place of all - the place that everyone sees - my face. I was told this was due to a cyst on my left ovary and not to worry because the pimples would go away soon after the cyst did. Wrong.

In December, a couple of months after the ovarian cyst was discovered, the gynecologist at the hospital told me the cyst had resolved (thank God, see prior posts about that dramatic time of my life) and assured me my pimples would fully resolve during my next 1-2 cycles. Wrong.

I had more cysts in December and January and as my GP suspected all along - I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - you know, that disorder that makes women like me roll my eyes at women who have the odd painful period and complain about it hahaha. The diagnosis made a lot of sense considering I've had all the symptoms for over a decade now. The pimples, the spotting, the insane, excruciating pelvic pain that comes and goes no matter where you are in your cycle, the irregular periods, the hair loss. Luckily I don't exhibit the facial hair growth that some women experience and never have...and hopefully never will.

Over the last few months my terrible pimples have become severe acne, well, what I consider severe acne anyway. Inflamed, nodular LARGE bumps that often cover my entire jaw line as well as my chin. White heads that cover my chin and lower cheeks. If I'm especially lucky, I'll also have breakouts on my upper cheeks and forehead.

Nothing topical or over the counter will correct this - that's not how hormonal acne of this nature is sorted out. They're not just my words but my dermatologists too. I do not exaggerate when  I say I've tried *everything* and spent thousands and thousands of dollars over the years to try and rid myself of this fucking curse. From all sorts of vitamins, to home remedies, to insanely painful treatments, to Proactiv, to Dermalogica, to Clinique, to African soaps - to oils - to lemons - to egg yolks, to vinegar, to aromatherapy, to drastic changes in diet, to doing nothing and leaving it alone, to changing pillow cases and towels daily, to Phisohex undiluted, to seeking advice from beauty therapists. You name it, I've done it. And Lord knows I've paid for it. So the next person to suggest that I should try whatever the miracle cure on the internet is this week - just don't. Please.

It's time for risks, change and action. It's time, after 20 years to go down 'that' road - anyone who's had acne as an adult will know exactly what I'm talking about. Thank your lucky stars if you don't. Seriously :) Medication isn't a choice, it's a must. If I don't do something about this now, I am going to end up scarred and as someone with an obvious scar on their throat already (which I'm conscious of)...facial scars as well just aren't an option for me.

I will try Bactrim as of tonight. Hopefully I won't develop the common allergy to Sulfa that many do - if I do I hope it's just a common rash. I'd like to be someone who doesn't end up in the burns unit or ER due to the possible side effects of this very powerful anti-biotic.

If Bactrim doesn't work, I will then be put on Spironolactone. A diuretic which also comes with it's dangers. It increases Potassium. Too much Potassium in your blood means...well...death. This medication also comes with the patient having mandatory blood tests every few weeks/per month. On the upside it has a pleasant peppermint flavour LOL!

If Spironlactone doesn't work...I have 2 more choices. Live with it or Ro-Accutane. Which I don't think I need to explain - keep in mind my 11 year history of Depression and suicide attempts. Most people would say (ignorantly, especially those who do not suffer acne)  "isn't living with acne better than possibly ending up mentally unwell again?!". To those people I'd simply say "If the first thing you think every morning is "I wonder how bad I look today", how long do you think it'd be before I end up mentally unwell again anyway". OK? touche.

I put on a brave face, and by no means am I the vainest person I know. However I know how damn gorgeous I can look without these 'things' on my face. I know how confident, sexy and beautiful I can feel without these 'things' on my face. I'd like my son or my husband to be able to touch my face. I'd like to look in the mirror and see my skin improving for once instead of getting worse. I'd like to leave the house without make-up on. I'd like to upload photos of myself without having to photo shop the acne out. I've lost a lot of weight with about 10kg to go and I'd like to feel the way every other woman who's lost a lot of weight feels when she looks in the mirror.

To anyone reading this going through the same thing - don't give up. Don't listen to the advice of anyone except your dermatologist and other women with the same curse, or problem. WE have the right to feel beautiful no matter what it takes. I will update again, hopefully with positive news. I have taken a 'before' shot but by no means will anybody be seeing it unless I can upload an 'after' shot that I'm proud of next to it. Wish me luck.

Until next time,
Em
xoxo.