I'm proud to say that in the last few months I have become a more assertive person and I am finding standing up for myself when necessary to be quite easy. I also enjoy putting my own opinion across whether it's not the same as everybody else's and I've come to find that I feel like a much stronger person because of it.
However...
I'm also proud to say (as in proud to be able to admit) that I've gained back the 10kg I lost last year...and then some.
I have always been a yo-yo dieter. From the age of 16 I have honestly lost count of the diets I've been on. I tend to lose weight quite rapidly and then put it all back on. I then repeat the process when I've had enough of being fat. This is how it's been for over a decade and it's only now at the age of 27 that I've realised if I don't stop this vicious cycle, I'll end up either seriously ill or dead at quite a young age.
As some of you know, I was hospitalised in October 2004 for an eating disorder. I'd gotten down to 47kg and was so anxious I could barely see straight. In October 2005, I was almost double that weight. Between 2005 and now I've gone from a size 10 to a size 16 and everything in between - not factoring in the weight I put on during my pregnancy with Owen.
The pattern seems to always be the same: Get fed up with being fat > Starve > Love being skinny > Stressful situation arises > Dealing with stress by eating which becomes addictive > Binge Eating > Fat again. The cycle then repeats itself.
Please don't mistake binge eating for the occasional pig out because the two are very different. Also, don't mistake binging for emotional eating. We all know that a few rows of chocolate or a larger than usual bowl of ice cream seem to 'help' lift our moods after a nasty break up, bad day at work, argument with spouse etc but that's not what binge eating is. I'll explain what is for me in detail;
1) Problem arises.
2) Become anxious/worried/stressed over the problem..
3) Set out to eat a specific amount of food very quickly, usually between 2500 - 4000 calories.
4) Do it again when the anxiety/worry/stress returns (At least 2-3 times per day).
5) Get depressed over weight gain, become sick and bloated from binge eating.
6) Go to bed promising to not do it again.
7) Repeat steps 1-7 the next day...and so on.
In one 'binge session' this is what I ate: 2 blocks of family chocolate (ie 440g), A box of cheese flavoured corn snacks, Almost an entire box of water crackers and an entire Sweet Chilli Philadelphia tub, almost an entire packet of Oreos and over 1 litre of Pepsi (or Coke). Usually I'd watch some soppy movie or trashy TV whilst gorging. If I started to feel sick, I'd take a break and wait to feel better and then go back for more. Over 4000 calories. Yes, I had dinner that night too.
If I was to continue eating like that the chances of my parents outliving me would be very, very high. The chances of not seeing my children grow up would be very, very high. The chances of living a fulfilling, happy life would be almost slim to none.
The penny dropped when I realised what was making me binge though. Stress is absolutely a factor. The main culprit though: dieting. Dieting is simply not a lifetime possibility because dieting is just another word for restricting. Whenever I dieted I would eliminate almost all fats (both good and bad), I would ban all carbohydrates from my diet which meant no breads, pastas, rice, potatoes, starch of any kind. Basically, apart from artificially sweetened desserts, low calorie jellies, basic vegetables and the occasional piece of grilled fish, I wasn't eating.
Where did this lead me back to every single time no matter how much weight I lost? Binge Eating.
I have realised that neither dieting or binging is being kind to myself...which is what I set out to do at the start of this year. Binging and dieting are forms of trying to escape from problems that are never, ever going to be solved with food.
Being kind to myself involves eating right (which means eating in moderation, eating plenty of vegetables, fruit, Low GI carbohydrates, protein and not cutting out good fats but rather limiting them). This way, I'm not depriving myself of anything the way I was when dieting. The healthy meals I've been cooking and eating are not only delicious but they keep me much fuller for a lot longer than the toxic junk I was eating ever did.
Being kind to myself means allowing myself the odd treat here and there (eg: A small 50g bar of chocolate - not 220 or 440g). Exercising - I've been doing this the past 3 days and I don't know why I have been putting it off for so long as it's enjoyable and makes me feel incredibly more energetic than I have in years.
Being kind to myself means facing problems head on, dealing with stress through talking (or blogging) about it, not worrying about what I can't change. Being assertive will come into this I am sure, so at least that's something I've already got under control! In saying all of this though, being kind to myself means eliminating as much stress as I can...which I've already started doing.
Being kind to myself means feeding myself with things other than food...like dancing, singing, writing and so on. Taking the time to do these things has already lifted my mood significantly in the last few days. My sleep has also improved.
I know that in doing all of this I will lose the now 30kg (not 20kg) that I need to. I won't lose it as rapidly as I would have if I chose to stave myself....but as I've pointed out, doing that would certainly only result in putting the weight back on soon after losing it. Doing that would not be enjoyable. Fad diets are just that, fads. They all lead to binging in the end.
I am losing the weight through a lifestyle change that I am enjoying and will continue to enjoy. I will also say that I feel extremely lucky to have had this realisation and wake up call at quite a young age. The days of punishing myself through food/no food are over.
From now on, I'm going to be kind to me - because I deserve it.
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