Blog-tober.

Get it?? It's October...and I'm blogging for the first time in over 3 months. Blog-tober! LOL, well I thought it was a clever title anyway.

There's good and bad things to write. I guess I'll start with the good. I've officially lost 10kg and am back to a standard size 14 :) Looking so much better than I have in a long time. Some days I do over 2 hours worth of exercise and the changes from simply moving and eating properly have been well worth it. Motivation will always dwindle at times but the results keep me going. Hoping to lose another 10kg by Xmas and then, I'll be almost done.

Other good news is that we now rent our home directly from the owner :) This means no fear of the lease ending any time soon, no inspections, no dealing with agents and waiting months on end for repairs or maintenance to be carried out. We're very, very lucky to be in this situation when the private rental market is in dire straits.

So that covers the good news, or should I say great news.

The not so good news involves yesterday, when my world stopped twice in the same day which. My darling, beautiful little boy had his appointment at the Child Health Clinic. When Owen had his needles last week, the nurse recommended that I take him to be assessed as she agreed with my concerns and saw for herself how socially uncomfortable he really is. We were at the centre for over an hour, and of course my poor little sweetheart cried the whole time because it's an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people and surroundings.

My feelings/concerns were right all along. This is *NOT* a dig at the many family members and friends who've been saying he's fine - I've been telling myself that for far too long and it was reassuring to hear other people say it too. He is fine, yes...but he is developmentally delayed and shows unusual characteristics for his age. In the coming weeks he will be seeing a speech pathologist and an occupational therapist. My husband and I have enrolled him into daycare as his caregivers and us believe this will hopefully do him the world of good since young children do seem to learn from each other and mimic one another. It's breaking my heart knowing that I need to "let go" like this but at the same time, I need to do what's best for him and his growth.

So while this news may not seem so bad to some, imagine being a mother who didn't get to be in her only other child's life for so long, and who's done EVERYTHING she can to ensure that her little boy has an easy as possible, stable, normal life - while also knowing that his other half sister suffers Aspergers Syndrome - imagine knowing all of that and then being told that your little boy is "developmentally delayed". Imagine seeing all these other women on Facebook with their toddlers who enjoy going out, who love painting, who'll eat - and chew - and talk - and walk - and crawl. Imagine carrying your screaming, crying, frightened child everywhere because he won't stay in his stroller, and he won't walk...while you're being stared at, and judged by women with kids who have the off tantrum here and there, but who don't genuinely fear being anywhere else but home. So while it may not seem so bad to you - it's a big fucking deal to me.

On top of that, I've been quite ill for the last couple of weeks. If you're squeamish then maybe you ought to stop reading now. The pain in my pelvis (particularly the left and right sides) is becoming intolerable. It started as quite a dull ache (like period pain), but every now and then I'm having "attacks" as the doctor calls them. This leaves me doubled over in pain, rolling around the floor or just sitting clutching my lower pelvis. I've had a natural labor, and I honestly compare the pain to the last stages of that. Sometimes it lasts for seconds, sometimes it's only a minute. The last "attack" was over 10 minutes and resulted in almost calling an ambulance. Sometimes I bleed during or after - sometimes I don't. The doctor has felt something, I can feel it. I can almost see it. I'll be having an ultrasound on Monday followed by internal exams and blood tests. On top of this, I feel uncomfortably full all the time - which isn't fun when you're trying to lose weight because believe it or not, you actually have to eat to lose weight. Going to the toilet is also not pleasant and I just generally feel like shit physically and emotionally which is OBVIOUSLY taking it's toll.

Up until now, I've had such a good year. Last year was just...I don't know. Being diagnosed with an incurable pain condition when your son's 3 months old...I don't even know how to describe that so let's just say last year wasn't great.

I know things will improve. It's fantastic that we're dealing with Owen's possible problems now rather than later. It's also such a very positive thing that he's starting daycare as he'll make friends, learn so much, be less clingy to myself, hell I'll probably be bitching in a few months about how grown up he is LOL. I also know that whatever is making me sick will go away or will be treated and that "this too shall pass". I know all of that :) but I'm not made of stone. I'm not as strong as so many people seem to just assume that I am. Right now, I'm scared. I'm anxious. I can feel something in my pelvis that is making me very, very sick while also feeling terrified (naturally) about my son being out of my care and home for 2 days a week starting next week. I'm giving myself permission to feel miserable right now, that's what humans need to do sometimes.